New Political Coalition Formed to Rescue Nigeria From Previous Political Coalitions

Nigeria's political landscape welcomed yet another historic chapter on Tuesday after opposition leaders unveiled a Grand National Rescue Coalition, a movement dedicated to saving the country from the devastating effects of previous coalitions that were themselves created to rescue Nigeria from even earlier coalitions.

Speaking at the launch, coalition leaders declared that "this coalition is different," a phrase analysts confirmed has now been recycled more times than campaign promises about stable electricity.

"We have learnt from the mistakes of the last coalition," one prominent politician said, standing beside six other politicians who all belonged to the last coalition. "This time, we are rescuing Nigeria properly."

The coalition's unveiling was briefly delayed after members spent forty-five minutes arguing over who would sit in the middle of the front-row photograph, with one leader insisting that "national unity begins with the centre chair."

Political historians admitted they had stopped updating their coalition timeline sometime around 2019 because "the arrows kept crossing each other."

"We've reached a point where every politician has rescued Nigeria from themselves at least twice," one exhausted lecturer explained while redrawing another flowchart.

Meanwhile, printers across Abuja have reportedly recorded record profits as politicians rushed to replace old banners reading 'A New Nigeria Begins Today' with nearly identical banners reading 'This Time, We Really Mean It.'

Several Nigerians welcomed the announcement, saying they look forward to being rescued again.

"I've survived five rescue missions already," said a civil servant in Kubwa. "At this rate, Nigeria should be the safest country on earth."

At press time, coalition leaders had unanimously agreed to establish a Committee on Future Coalitions, whose primary responsibility would be preparing the framework for the next coalition expected to emerge immediately after this one fails to rescue the country from the coalition before it.