Nigerian Hospitals Admit Themselves, Diagnosed With Acute Tariff Failure

In a development doctors are calling "medically unprecedented," Nigerian hospitals have begun presenting symptoms of the same condition as their patients: struggling to breathe, dependent on machines they cannot power, and requiring urgent transfusion, of diesel. Healthcare operators confirmed this week that rising electricity tariffs have placed hospitals under severe financial pressure, making Nigeria the first country where the intensive care unit is itself in intensive care.

The mathematics is elegant in its cruelty. Hospitals were placed on Band A, the premium tariff, on the logic that they "enjoy" more electricity. Enjoy. As if an oxygen concentrator is a jacuzzi. As if the theatre lights are ambience. The one building in Nigeria where power supply is literally the difference between a heartbeat and a headline is billed like a nightclub, and unlike a nightclub, it cannot simply close early. Nobody schedules their emergency for off-peak hours, although given current tariffs, hospitals may soon be forced to ask.

The real chief medical director of every Nigerian hospital, of course, has long been the generator, the most senior consultant on staff, the only one who works nights without complaint, and now the most expensive salary on the payroll. Its deputy, Diesel, earns more than the surgeons. When the generator coughs, the whole hospital holds its breath, which is unfortunate, because holding your breath is precisely what the ventilators were supposed to prevent.

Operators have responded by requesting government relief and tax incentives, a treatment plan that involves asking the same system that caused the illness to prescribe the cure. Medically, this is known as consulting the mosquito about your malaria. Still, one must try.

The famous Nigerian hospital checklist, bring your own syringe, your own card, your own gloves, is now reportedly expanding to its final form: bring your own light. Patients' relatives, already serving as unpaid nurses, cooks, and blood banks, should prepare to serve as substations.

At press time, the hospitals remained in critical but stable condition. The tariff, unfortunately, remains in perfect health.