We Must Return to Our Values,' Says Man Who Sold Them in 2011

A prominent Nigerian elder statesman has called on citizens to "return to our values" during a keynote lecture on national morality, despite widespread reports that he personally auctioned off most of those values sometime around 2011.

Speaking at the National Summit on Ethics, Integrity and Traditional Virtues, the respected public figure lamented the collapse of discipline, honesty and accountability among today's youth.

"In my time, a man's word was his bond," he declared to thunderous applause. "Today, young people have abandoned integrity."

Audience members nodded thoughtfully, although several admitted they distinctly remembered the speaker changing political parties three times in eighteen months, depending on which one had "the brightest future."

According to historians, the nation's values were last seen shortly before the 2011 elections, after which they allegedly disappeared into a convoy of tinted SUVs and have not been publicly recovered since.

Political analysts described the speech as "deeply inspirational," noting that Nigeria has entered an era where the people most qualified to discuss morality are often those with the most experience operating without it.

"He spoke from experience," one analyst explained. "When someone tells you values are important after spending a decade avoiding them, that's lived expertise."

The conference ended with a panel discussion titled 'Restoring National Character,' moderated by a former official currently facing allegations of acquiring three luxury estates through what he insists were "miracles of prudent saving."

Meanwhile, young Nigerians welcomed the advice but requested clarification on where exactly the country's values had been stored before they went missing.

At press time, the elder statesman had announced the formation of a Presidential Committee on Value Recovery, promising that, after a nationwide consultation, the missing values would be officially relaunched, recommissioned, and unveiled in a colourful ceremony immediately before the next general election.