Transport Fare Now Determined by Driver's Mood

In a move commuters say merely "formalises what has always been happening," commercial bus drivers across Nigeria have officially abandoned distance, fuel prices, and government-approved fare charts in favour of a revolutionary pricing model based entirely on the driver's emotional state.

Under the new system, passengers will reportedly be charged according to whether the driver argued with his wife, lost his football bet, woke up late, encountered traffic, or simply "doesn't like your face."

Officials described the model as "emotionally dynamic transport pricing."

"This morning the fare to Ojota was N700," explained commuter Esther Williams. "By the next bus, it was ₦1,500 because the driver said Arsenal lost and everybody must share the pain."

Another passenger was allegedly billed an extra N500 after asking, "Oga, why the increase?" Authorities say questioning a fare now falls under the newly introduced offence of Emotional Provocation of a Driver.

To reduce confusion, transport unions have unveiled a colour-coded Mood Meter displayed inside every bus. Green means the driver greeted his family before leaving home. Yellow means proceed with caution. Red means passengers are advised to quietly pay whatever is requested and avoid unnecessary eye contact.

Meanwhile, fintech companies are developing an app that predicts transport fares by analysing the driver's facial expression, blood pressure and whether he has already shouted, "If you know this fare is too much, buy your own bus!"

At press time, thousands of Lagos commuters admitted they had started complimenting drivers on their appearance before asking the fare, describing it as the cheapest transport subsidy currently available in Nigeria.