FG Announces National Queueing Academy to Help Nigerians Master Waiting

In a landmark effort to preserve what officials described as "one of Nigeria's oldest and most valuable traditions," the Federal Government has unveiled the National Queueing Academy (NQA), a specialised institution dedicated to training citizens in the art and science of waiting.

According to the Ministry of Human Endurance, the academy was established after years of observing Nigerians demonstrate exceptional patience at fuel stations, ATMs, passport offices, hospitals, embassies and government agencies without receiving any formal certification.

"We have world-class talent," the Minister declared. "It is time we professionalise queueing and export the skill internationally."

Admission into the academy reportedly requires applicants to stand in a line for six hours just to collect another form authorising them to join a second queue for biometric verification.

The curriculum includes Introduction to Standing Since Morning, Advanced Queue Preservation, Applied Sighing, Strategic Neck Stretching, and Diploma in Pretending Someone Is 'Holding Your Place.' Practical sessions will take place at passport offices, fuel stations, and anywhere a Nigerian hears the words, "Network is down."

Graduates who complete the programme with distinction will earn a Bachelor of Queue Management and qualify for internships at public institutions where "Please Come Back Tomorrow" has been recognised as an official working language.

Meanwhile, lecturers have warned students against queue malpractice, particularly the offence of appearing from nowhere to claim, "My brother is already inside."

At press time, thousands of Nigerians had successfully completed the entrance examination but were still waiting for their results, which authorities promised would be released "very soon"—a phrase experts estimate could mean anything between next Tuesday and the second coming.